So tomorrow is the July 1st. What better of a time than that to try and make some changes in my life? So I thought I'd make a note of some of the goals that I wanted to achieve.

• Save money.


• Quit smoking. (Should have with saving money.)


• Eat better. (Again, should help with saving money.)


• Exercise on a somewhat of a regular basis. (It's cold, but I'm gonna try hard.)


• Try and clear out my backlog of media.


• Keep my room clean.


• Spend more time out of my room.


That's all I can think of for now, but I'll add more if I think of any. It might seem like really simple goals, but given my state of mind lately, they're actually quite challenging. Oh well, good luck to me!

So Transformers 2 comes out in a couple of days. It made me aware of just how fast time goes when I realised the original came out two years ago. (When I was a little kid, a year seemed like the longest period of time in the world!) Of course, this kind of thinking always causes me to reflect on life, where I've been and where I am. I realised tonight just how much of my life I took for granted.

I've always thought that perhaps I wanted simplicity in my life. This is probably due to the fact that when I was about 21 -- nearly six years ago! -- my life was pretty simple and that allowed me to focus on staying in shape. However, now my life is ridiculously simple and I find myself not only horribly out of shape but also ridiculously bored. This hasn't really helped my mood, and now I find even the simplest of tasks to be so taxing that I can't find the energy to do them. In a way, having stuff going on gave my life a certain sense of interest that is sadly now lacking.

I also took working for granted. It sounds odd, but there was something nice about actually having a job to occupy my days with. Although I didn't have the best time at Firstlight, it was better than just farting around the house. I actually quite enjoyed working for MinED. I enjoyed the environment, I enjoyed the work, I even enjoyed being able to turn up at work at 7:30 a.m. -- there's something refreshing about the early morning. I really miss it, actually. I hope that when I can finally get back into the work force I can find something like it.

Another thing I took for granted was just sharing my time with people. Especially in the last few months, I've found myself becoming more and more introverted and just spending my time on the Internet. I miss sharing things with people. I really miss how I used to spend time with Nikki, where even the smallest of things were just a joy to share. It really makes me realise how much I can actually just shut off sometimes when I should be enjoying people's company. It's definitely something I want to change.

More than anything, I took getting out of the house for granted. I always thought of myself as a homebody, but now that I'm home nearly all of the time I realise how much I just miss having to leave the house for tasks. I can't really leave the house too much now as I don't have the money for various activities, so that makes me miss work even more. I miss going out at night too. Not in terms of clubbing, but going to see a movie with friends and all that fun jazz.

Today marks my six-month anniversary of being sober, and I think that perhaps now that is all sorted that it's time to start working on the other parts of my life that are broken. I think I'm going to cut out the junk food, as well as trying to go for a walk every day. I guess I can be impatient with that kind of thing, wanting results straight away, but hopefully if I stick with it I can see some solid results by Christmas. That would be nice, so it's definitely a goal to aim for. :)

It's midnight. I now feel sick. I would have eaten an hour ago, but someone thoughtful turned off the over that I was preheating. I thought I turned it on again, but when I went back out I discovered that the oven was off at the wall. (WHY DO PEOPLE DO THAT? GRRR!) So now I'm waiting for it to preheat again. The problem is that now I'm not sure if I actually want to eat this close to trying to get some shut-eye, despite the fact I haven't eaten since lunch. It also means I'll probably be up for at least another half an hour (cooking time plus eating time) which means come 1 a.m. I'll still be up and probably feeling crappy.

Blargh.

( MEME! )

Did you know that Richard Dawkins coined the word meme?

So E3 has come and gone, and it's thrown a bit of a spanner into my works. Here I was with a solid mindset of responsibility, and now it's all gone to hell.

-- The urges to spend have returned. Whereas before I had managed to get myself into a way of thinking that was generally content, now I find that I'm struggling not to make stupid decisions in the name of shiny new toys. Whereas before I was quite content to just chip through the games I had while waiting on Final Fantasy XIII -- and trust me, I have enough to last me until then -- now I'm like "I WANNA PLAY EVERYTHING!" again. Bah.

-- Additionally, I find myself lost without the internet again. While I found myself slowly able to peel myself away from the net and do normal tasks, I find myself somewhat relying on it for information and contact, to the point where I'm kind of neglecting every day tasks. Yes, I realise that there is no one to talk to while I clean my room or do the laundry, but I just need to harden up about that. Sitting in bed and watching E3 footage all day and discussing it in the forums was not a good idea. While I might still watch the conferences next year, I definitely will not post my thoughts to anyone that will listen.

-- Probably the most damaging effect, however, is the fact that I realised that I'm rapidly approaching 27 and haven't done anything with my life in recent times. I think it got to me a little more than I'm willing to admit that Tristan and Lucy went to E3. I mean, yeah, it's a video games conference, but they're off doing something worth talking about. I mean, I was pretty happy with just living my peaceful little existence and trying to get my head sorted, but now I'm kind of wondering if perhaps I'm letting everything fly by. I know I've got things to sort out and I should sort those out before I do anything else, but I can't help but feel a little pathetic.

My plan, then, is to try and rectify these three points. Number one is pretty easy, as I just have to make sure that I don't buy any video games. It's pretty simple to do. Besides, I still have plenty to go through and I don't have the money for new things. And I can also always just replay my old games. There's a novel thought!

Number two is a little harder given my desire for communication with people, but I figure I can at least make a start at doing basic tasks and perhaps even moving into the lounge so at least I'm not cooped up in my room sitting refreshing pages over and over again. I've always found it difficult to "give up" the net, so this will prove a challenge.

Number three... well, I don't know what to do about number three. I'm thinking that for now I just want to get into a position where my mindset is positive again. Being true to myself, doing what I find enjoyable, but at the same time making sure that I work on fixing myself too. After that, once I can prove to myself that I can get a solid routine down without falling off the wagon every few days then I think I will look towards getting a job. I dunno what, but I'll take anything at this point.

A bit of a pessimistic entry when it was supposed to be a bit more positive, but there you go. I'm sure everything will turn out all right in the end; it usually does.

I was going to clean the house, but it's just too cooooooooold! :(

Emotionally, I've been feeling a bit under the weather today. Being an introspective person, I think I know why. When I first made an effort to get better, I generally shut myself away from the world and focused on me. It was a strategy that worked well. I was away from all the complications of the world, along with all the venom and bile. I was able to shut myself in a happy little world where everything was magical and I saw the world with a childlike awe. However, over the last couple of days, I've found myself immersing myself in worldly affairs more -- and, more importantly, I've been reading people's opinions.

This, I find, generally upsets me and puts me in a state of being more passionate and worked up than I care to be. I find myself caring more about how others view the world than how I view it myself. I care more about what other people are doing than what I am doing myself. The world suddenly becomes large and complicated and feelings of discontent start sweeping in. Suddenly, living in a simplistic world of my own design suddenly seems a very difficult task.

Another thing that I think has set me off is the fact that two friends of mine are going to E3 this year. Now, I don't care so much that they are going; another friend of mine gets to go practically every year and I don't really care. I'm happy for them both, really. But it's how they are going that really bugs me. It brings up all these negative feelings of dealing with a certain someone I can't stand. It reminds me of all the ways dealing with them affected me mentally, the ways that they pushed me to the end of my sanity. The truth is that if they were going any other way, it would not be an issue. It's only the fact that they are going because of this one person.

This is another way that looking out to the world affects me. It's now put a damper over my own enjoyment of the event because when I watch it will always be in the back of my mind. I will always be thinking about how a person I can't stand is part of this. Had I not known, it would have been blissful to sit back and just watch the event unfold through live streams. Ignorance is bliss, so they say. Now I find myself downplaying the event so that I don't feel as bitter about it. Sad, really.

So, my remedy to this situation is to just try and recoil from it all and try and focus on the simplistic again. Take all the emotional pressure off myself and just do what makes me happy. Play games because I want to, not because I feel I have to finish them. Watch Disney movies I've seen a million times to cheer myself up, not watch new movies to broaden my horizons. Read less news and definitely stop reading the comments sections on articles. Eat what I wanna eat, do what I wanna do, etc. Perhaps some time living in a little bubble again will prepare me to deal with the outside world again.

Seriously, fuck Susan Boyle. I was impressed at first, but all this media attention is unjustified. She can sing, but she's not an ZOMG-*dies*-talent singer by any means. All the hype essentially revolves around the fact that she looks like bush pig and has the personality of a shrubbery. I'm so sick of hearing about her! ARRGH!

The worst thing is that she's going to win Britain's Got Talent despite the fact there are people with more talent on the show. I can only hope that Britain has some fucking sense, sees through all this media bollocks (let's face it, it really is America pushing it -- shallow fuckers), and sees that this is all unjustified. Then, hopefully, she will have been just another person unjustly pushed to fame for 5 minutes and then forgotten about -- just like Afroman.

You know what I don't want to hear at 9 in the morning? Your off-key singing. I can also only assume that you haven't cleaned up in the kitchen and have only created more mess (and it will be me who has to clean it later because I'm sick of looking at it).

So yesterday evening (because it's technically Thursday now), Dad called me to let me know that he was offered some work on the side and would have a little extra money this month. The upshot of this was that he was going to use it to clear my sister's and my debt. My overdraft will be cleared, and my credit card will be cleared. With the exception of my student loan (which I really just see as a 30% tax rate now), I will be totally free of debt. This is a wonderful feeling.

The only condition he gave me was that I wouldn't get into debt again. I honestly have no intention of it. It's going to feel sooooo good to walk into the bank and tell them to cancel my overdraft. Finally, when I'm out of money, my bank account will not give me a negative balance. \(^o^)/

Additionally, I seem to have really got my spending under control. Whereas previously I would buy anything that seemed remotely interesting to me, I find now that I end up passing on something unless I really want it. I no longer purchase every game I'm interested in, as I'm quite content with chipping away at what I already own. I no longer waste my money on toys that simply sit on display. I don't buy new gadgets I don't really need. I don't buy books I won't read (despite telling myself that I will). Hell, I didn't even cave and start reading X-Men comics again. It all seems nicely under control.

I think part of it has been down to the fact that I have largely found myself becoming less obsessed with things and less impulsive with my decisions. Whereas before I tended to jump head first into a given hobby/lifestyle and do everything possible to become truly part of that lifestyle/subculture, I find that now my life is slowly getting more diversity in it. Perhaps it's because I have slowly learned to become more comfortable with myself, thus no longer needing to define myself as part of a subculture. I'm just me, and I like what I like -- and that has removed the compulsion to buy the latest thing because it's trendy with certain crowds.

I must say that I'm really, really proud of myself for not buying games based on whims or desires to purchase something just to purchase. It's something that I have always told myself to do for years and finally it's come to fruition. Given that these things aren't cheap -- $100 or so a go -- it's saved me a lot of money. Often, I've just found myself saying I'll wait for it to go cheap and then finding the urge to own it gone. It'll be interesting to see how this holds up when some games that I will show stronger than usual interest in get released. Transformers 2 and the new Clone Wars game spring to mind. ;)

On the whole though, I'm really glad that I have supercool parents who are willing to still do things like this for kids they should have kicked out of the nest years ago. (Christ, in two years time I will be the age Mum was when she had me!) It's going to feel really good to be free of debt, and I will definitely make sure that I don't dig myself into a hole again. From now on, I will only buy what I truly want and can afford. :)

I've been really grumpy all day. A dirty kitchen is annoying, but I can live with that to an extent. However, stealing people's food is just not on. I don't particularly like confrontation, but something definitely needs to be said in an angry tone.

(Is it bad that I actually want to catch her stealing again after this final warning so I can kick her out?)

Next time I look for flatmates, I'm going to go Spanish Inquisition on their asses.

I'm beginning to think that it's not true that cigarettes improve long-term memory, as I had a bunch of stuff to add in this blog in a coherent and fashioned order, and I got up to pee and have forgotten most of it. Although I did give myself a fright walking to the bathroom, as our new night-light gave me the impression that a certain flatmate that I'm not too fond of (Sylvie, you know who I mean), was home. I dunno why, but there's something that just makes me uncomfortable about her presence here. It's a shame that such things can't be truly determined in a flat interview.

Anyway, there hasn't been much news to talk about, except for this swine flu thing. (On a side note, apparently pigs in WoW have been able to give you swine flu since the release of WotLK. Talk about prophetical.) Most of the interesting (read: political) stuff has been buried under that and Lady GaGa almost getting arrested in Russia for wearing leather. (Why, I do not know.)

However, I have been tiding myself over in this period with a few activities, such as playing the Wolverine game (fun, violent, but can get repetitive) and trying to get myself up to speed with what has been happening in the Marvel universe. I've also discovered that Carrie Fisher has a blog. No, I didn't get there because of Star Wars (I was reading about celebrities with mental illness). It's an absolute hoot and I'll definitely be checking it out on a regular basis. I might also start following Stephen Fry on Twitter.

Damn, the relaxing rain sounds mp3 that I downloaded has errors in it, so that's not going to help me get to sleep...

Anyway, I've been lying in bed reading the internet while propped up on my shoulder and my head has been at a funny angle and is now really stiff and sore. I really should stop using the computer like that, as it can't be good for my joints at all! I've also shaved for the first time in ages (seriously, I had a long "neck beard") and I can't believe how much better I feel. I should definitely shave more often.

I was going to write a lot more, but it kind of all got lost in limbo on the way to pee. Maybe I urinated all my thoughts into the toilet?

So, I just got back from seeing X-Men Origins: Wolverine. (I saw it at the Gold Lounge, which no longer gives free drink and popcorn for the price of entry. I felt pretty cheated, but at least I got to watch it in a nice comfy chair.) I'm still letting everything process, but I thought I would give some initial thoughts on the movie.

Now, I'm a huge comic book geek, and Wolverine is my favourite comic book character of all time. When I was younger, he was my hero. There is just something about him that feels so real, unlike heroes like Superman that are just sickeningly flawless. Wolverine has had a tragic past and constantly struggles with the beast within. He constantly tries to be a better person, even though he has his flaws, and there is just something noble about him, like a ronin, that just makes him such a great character. So, how did I feel about the movie?

Well, I definitely liked how it tried as much as possible to stick to the comic book canon. Obviously, some concessions had to be made -- some to tie it in with the previous X-Men movies, and some to make it work as a standalone movie. I liked how they showed his origins as a child (and showing the fact that he's as old as hell); I liked how they showed you his time with Team X; I liked how they showed his relationship with Silverfox. I liked the nods to character traits such as Deadpool (or, at least Wade, as he's known in the movie -- but more on that later), who is a wisecracking smart-ass. I liked that they fleshed out the character of Sabretooth as well. I especially liked how they correctly stated that Wolverine was Weapon Ten (X, in Weapon X, being the Roman numeral).

Of course, there were some things that I didn't like. There were too many cameos and not enough of the characters were fleshed out properly. I get that people like Emma Frost and Cyclops were only meant to be small cameos, but some of the "major" characters didn't get enough screen time before they were axed. It gave the movie a rushed feeling that I wasn't too fond of. I also didn't like how they took some pretty big liberties with the story that just didn't make sense. I don't really mind that they didn't get into things like Alpha Flight or Wolverine's time as Weapon X, because there's just too much to fit into a single movie. But honestly, I couldn't help be annoyed at things like Silverfox being Emma Frost's sister or how they portrayed Deadpool. They way Wolverine loses his memory also didn't sit too well with me. But then again, I guess I'm just being a huge comic book geek. It's hard to let it go and just enjoy a movie when you're so fond of the comic canon... BUT, if I look at it objectively, and I imagine going in with no prior knowledge of Wolverine's history, it was a pretty decent movie. My real major criticism lies with the pacing and the lack of character development, but as far as "summer" blockbusters go, it was an enjoyable ride.

I'll probably enjoy it more when I go see it a second time with my family, as I will have had a chance to get over the gripes about canon and just enjoy it for what it is. I think I will go watch some Wolverine and the X-Men now. :P

So it's like three in the morning here. I'm kind of tired, kind of not. I plugged in my USB hard drive because I wanted to get something off it, and while I was in there I had a poke around all my files. It was really interesting in a way, because you kind of remember how things were in a certain way, but then you are presented with objective evidence that they weren't actually like that at all. It kind of made me a little sad, and it made me think about where I am with my life at the moment. It definitely gave me some inspiration to change a few things and to try and get my life back on track. More than anything, I just want it to be simple and happy. Looking at some of those pictures or reading through some of the things I'd written, I found myself wondering how it all got so complicated.

Things have been good lately though. I'm still a bit worried about getting my debts paid off, but I'm finding that since I've stopped drinking and stopped buying video games that my money is lasting a bit longer. I'm actually getting to my next pay without being broke! I'm also finding myself just being a lot happier with the things I already have. I guess that's why I haven't really felt the need to buy anything new, because I already have so much to keep me occupied. I feel good about the fact that I haven't bought anything I don't need, and I'm hoping that I can continue down this track. I don't even know if I'm going to renew my WoW account at this point. Yeah, it's that extreme. :P

It's an interesting experience for me, because I've always been quite impulsive and compulsive. I've always just gotten an idea in my head and then ran with it. Lately, I've been finding that I'm actually stopping and thinking before I act, wondering whether or not I really need something or whether something is the right course of action to take. Often, I find after sleeping on it for a few days, the urge goes and sometimes I even forget completely what it was that I was thinking about. It's all quite new to me and it makes me see the world in a different way. It's good, because for the first time in months I'm actually feeling happy. My only regret is that I didn't take this course of action sooner.

I'm getting kind of sleepy now, and I'm sick of staying up all night and then sleeping through the day, so I think I'm going to crash now.

Sorry for making another post, but I wanted to talk about this separately. For those of you not aware, Susan Boyle, the lady who achieved instant fame for her performance on Britain's Got Talent, has had a makeover. Now, there is nothing inherently bad about this in itself; people are free to do whatever they want with their bodies. However, I wanted to talk about it for a few reasons.

( What is beauty? )

( Morbid self-indulgence. )

On a completely unrelated note, I find myself liking I'm On a Boat. At first, I hated it, thinking that it was a serious song that represented the complete laziness of the rap genre and everything that is negative about it. (By that I mean that I can appreciate good, thoughtful rap such as that by Run DMC, but it's hard to appreciate rap that keeps going on about 40s, blunts, and hos.) However, after doing a little background reading on the matter and after finally seeing the video in its entirety -- and after actually carefully listening to the lyrics -- I can now appreciate that it's a complete piss-take on rap and the laziness that is running through the genre. Finally getting the joke, I can definitely enjoy it a lot more. Some of The Lonely Island's other stuff, such as Like a Boss is a little more crass, blunt, and obvious (but no less funny), so I appreciate the subtle nature of I'm On a Boat more. After all, I did think it was a real, serious rap song.

I also just finished watching X-men: The Last Stand. It didn't leave such a sour taste in my throat watching it this time -- although killing Xavier and Cyclops is still bullshit, given that a movie-going audience won't readily accept random resurrections as much as comic book fans do. However, I did find it to be an enjoyable enough experience that I managed to sit out until the end. I even found myself not going for a cigarette for the duration of the movie because I didn't want to miss anything. It's funny how attitudes can change in retrospect, especially when they are finally free from hype and expectation. For example, The Dark Knight eventually grew on me, despite the fact that I found it a convoluted and undirected mess at first.

I wonder what I will feel if I ever bother to watch the third Matrix movie again? It also makes me wonder how I will feel about Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen when I finally go to see it. I went into the first one with zero expectations (just like I do to any movie based on a video game or toy) and was pleasantly surprised to find it a fun blockbuster. (Note to self: by Transformers on Blu-Ray.) However, with the sequel, I suddenly have expectations for it to live up to the first one. Even if I take an attitude that it will suck, it will only leave a bitter taste in my mouth if I dislike it at the time that it didn't live up to the original. Maybe that's the nature of sequels, but as I've said, I could always feel differently down the track once all the hype and expectations have melted away.

That's really all I've got to say for now. I got an oven pizza for my dinner which I think I will "cook" before I sit down to watch Quantum of Solace tonight. Depending on opinions, I might make another post about it later on. I mean the movie and not the pizza.

What the hell is up with Ahmadinejad's rant not being anywhere prominent on Stuff? There's some typical crap about unions, some trivial crap about the Bain trial, some obnoxious crap about giving the North and South Island Maori names (which NO ONE except teacher and politicians will ever use) and some just plain facepalm crap about some Canadian chick being offended by Eskimo lollies and Eskimo Pies. (Not to Canadian tourist, no one gives a shit if you're offended while on holiday, and it's fucking laughable that you try and correct this "injustice" while on vacation anyway. Fuck off back to Canada and go club a seal.)

It's like the media is trying to pretend it didn't happen. Stupid liberal media.

This morning I woke up to see that both Labour and the Greens were spewing forth gibberish about how New Zealand should have attended the UN forum on racism, despite the fact that Ahmadinejad was going to be speaking at it. There are a few sure things in life -- death, taxes, that sort of thing -- and one of them is that a man who calls for Israel to be wiped off the map cannot help himself when publicly speaking at a UN forum. This afternoon, lo and behold, I watched the news and saw that Ahmadinejad had indeed gone on an antisemitic rant while at the forum and many of the UN delegates had actually walked out during the speech.

'Well, that was bloody obvious,' I thought to myself. And while it's reprehensible that such a speech was even allowed to occur, I had a small sense of satisfaction when I realised just how foolish both Labour and the Greens -- especially Keith Locke, who has never uttered a word of sense in his entire political career -- suddenly looked rather foolish. "Oh, they're buckling and supporting US foreign policy!" they cried, perhaps afraid of being shipped off to Iraq despite the fact that Obama is pulling the troops out. Unfortunately, such rants left them with egg on their face as it was quite obvious that New Zealand and a number of other countries weren't attending because it was bloody obvious that it was going to be hijacked to spew forth hate and venom about Jews and the Holocaust. Unless, you know, deep down inside Labour and the Greens are all a bunch of antisemites. I'll have to look into that.

In other news, I tried one of those Cocaine drinks today. You know, the ones that so callously market themselves by a provocative brand name and the exclamation of how much caffeine they contain. Considering myself as something of a curious person, and given the sudden boom in large can energy drinks, I found myself wondering just how much kick a little can could contain. Well, in the end it didn't really matter -- although I'm pretty sure I'm not going to get any sleep tonight -- because the experience was like drinking Dr Pepper that had been mixed with some curry power. Now, I quite like the taste of Dr Pepper, so inherently this is not a bad thing in itself, but I do not expect my drinks to have an after-taste similar to that of a vindaloo curry. Gross. I definitely will not be trying the over-expensive shit again, not matter how much kick it has.

Oh, and before I forget, I woke up this morning to see the rather passive aggressive note I had left on the kitchen door telling everyone to CLEAN THE FUCKING HOUSE defaced with numerous criticisms -- none of them, strangely, aimed at me. It turns out that Fiona had thought that Nick had written the note and was taking personal shots at her, something she obviously felt was rather offensive given his lack of participation in the cleaning himself. In the end I sat her down and explained to her that I had in fact written the note and the whole point of it was that if this finger pointing about mess and stubborn insisting that no one is going to clean up other people's mess didn't stop, nothing was ever going to get clean and the house would fall into chaos. I was very calm -- are you proud of me? -- and I just simply said that realistically everyone has to clean up their own mess otherwise the flat is going to end up as some kind of hostile... hostel? Meh, I tried... Anyway, hopefully it's sorted now, but we'll see.

Well, that's pretty much it for today. My mouth is still filled with the complete and utterly heinous taste of that damn energy drink, so I'm not going to get any sleep any time soon. Nikki is asleep beside me, and I don't really want to wake her up, so I guess I'm just either going to browse the Internet for a bit or perhaps play some video games. I'm quite keen to try out Left 4 Dead, as I gave the multiplayer a try a while ago but was turned off by the boorish community and haven't really gone back to it since. Anyway, until tomorrow. :)

So, since I dusted off this journal, I decided to go back and read a bunch of my old entries. It was really an eye-opening experience. It might sound like a conceited thing to say, but I was really interesting. Not that I was doing anything particularly interesting, but just my views and perspectives that I chose to share with people were interesting -- even when talking about small things. It made me start thinking about two things, which I shall address behind the cut because nobody likes long posts.

( Life and Twitter )